BPD and Romantic Relationships
- Carly Gegelman
- Mar 20, 2021
- 2 min read
I was first introduced to borderline personality disorder during therapy. My therapist said something along the lines of, I can’t diagnose them but they are exhibiting traits of borderline personality disorder, in regards to a previous partner in my life. I learn things best through reading and writing, so my therapist recommended the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. Since then, I started hearing it everywhere. I learned that Pete Davidson was diagnosed with BPD in 2017, and has since then been an advocate for mental health. I also started seeing videos on TikTok that aimed to educate people about BPD. In my blog this week, I hope to educate people about BPD, specifically its manifestations in romantic relationships. I in no way condone diagnosing anyone without a psychiatrist’s help, but education on something that is rarely talked about is important.
A borderline personality disorder is different from, and often misdiagnosed as, a bipolar disorder. BPD varies from bipolar disorder because of the intense fear of abandonment and lack of self that bipolar disorder does not have. BPD causes strain on relationships, especially romantic ones.
Again, my previous partner was never diagnosed with BPD, but did exhibit traits that are often associated with the disorder. In learning about the disorder, what resonated with me was the public scenes that the fear of abandonment often caused. It was little things at first, like making me put their name in my Instagram bio and getting frustrated when I didn’t hold their hand at the mall. But my not wanting to display affection in public eventually resulted in outbursts and arguments, where they would raise their voice and then storm off, making a scene. Reflecting now, I remember my embarrassment explaining to my friends and family their actions. Thus the phrase, “walking on eggshells” is often used with the disorder, because you never know what is going to set them off.
Whenever my previous partner and I got into an argument, no matter how big or small, more than half the time it ended with them breaking up with me. Our final breakup was initiated by them, but that time I didn’t take them back. Because of their fear of abandonment, people with borderline personality disorder often have the mindset of “I will break up with you before you can break up with me,” in order to feel more in control of their fear. When the breakup finally happens, however, it feels even more devastating to them because their fear came true. My breakup lasted a couple of months and eventually left me no choice but to cut them out of my life completely.
A romantic relationship with someone with BPD is not a death sentence. Through recognizing the symptoms, regularly attending therapy, and medication, the relationship doesn’t have to be toxic. People with BPD are often described as even more compassionate in their romantic relationships when being treated. I think it is important to be educated on the signs in order to understand and maintain your own healthy boundaries.
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